It’s funny how anxiety and depression go so… “nicely”… together. Like one is the perfect compliment to the other. I was doing fine today and then hit an anxiety wall, and now I feel crappy.
My favorite co-worker told me that she got a job at another hospital and is putting in her notice tomorrow. I am happy for her, I really am. But I’m really sad for me. I’m a people person. I find my person or my people and I get attached. I get really attached. I can’t help it!! I know because I’ve tried not to. I eventually realized that it was too miserable keeping my distance from everyone, and it allows my issues to fester and consume me. But then there is this other side of things. This side where I get so attached to another that it feels like breathing to be with them. Days I work with this friend are good days. Even if they’re bad, she makes me happy. She gives me pep talks and hugs if I need them. She knows about these issues I have. And now she’s leaving. And I find I’m very very upset about it.
There is something crazy about me- something that other people find apalling. Maybe it is the way my attachments turn needy when I’m not feeling well. Or maybe it is just the knowledge that I am attached and it scares them. Or maybe it is something else entirley. Among the last 3 people I’ve felt attached to: one told me recently that she “doesn’t care for that side of me” and tries to stay distant when I’m struggling. Ouch. One blatantly said that she does not want me discussing food, weight, calories, or cutting with her in any capacity, because that would be crossing a boundary. Ouch again. And, my personal favorite, the friend who shut me out, unfriended me on Facebook, and blocked my phone number and email address. That was 1.5 years ago and I’m still “ouching” from it. Because she was my best friend at the time, and I still care about her a lot.
These are not awful or mean people! They are good people, they are nice people. So it leaves me with: what the hell is wrong with me?! How could I possibly be that awful to cause these things? I know that I can be annoying, and I can be hard to deal with when I’m in a depressed puddle on the floor whining about something dumb. I guess it makes sense…. it is exhausting taking care of someone like that. Especially all the time. And I would definitely rather them be honest with me than just ignoring it to spare my feelings. But it still sucks. A lot.
Anyways. So after my coworker told me she will be leaving, I got online to skim through job postings for the hospital I want to work at. My current commute is 35-50 minutes each way. There is a hospital 3 minutes from my house. That is where I’ve had my sights set since before I became a nurse. I found they have an opening in the department and for the hours I want. I wrestled with it for awhile. Should I? No… everyone is leaving my unit, I should wait awhile. But it isn’t about them, I need to do it! But I’m not ready for another big change right now… But this is what I’ve always wanted! Finally, after a pep talk from my coworker, I put in the application. It took all afternoon because I didn’t have an updated resume and stuff. And when I clicked submit, a wave of nausea washed over me, like, what am I doing?! I woke up like it was any other day and by afternoon I had submitted a job application. I’ve felt weird ever since. Can’t focus. Anxious. Nauseous. I want to hurt myself, too. Been wrestling with that now for an hour or so. I’m so on edge and I’m not sure what else would help… Besides maybe a Xanax or some Ativan, neither of which I happen to have.
Here is the other kicker: the friend who shut me out of her life? She works at the hospital I applied to. And my application has nothing to do with her. We both used to talk about wanting to work there after we graduated. She just got there before I did. (No surprise there, she was always one step ahead of the rest of us.) I’m wondering if some of this anxiety is because of that. Like, it is not a huge hospital. I’m sure I’ll run into her. What will she say or do when it happens? Will she think I’m following her? Will she think I’m that crazy? It doesn’t matter. And I’m sure it will be civilized, but knowing me, seeing her again would make me fall apart. We shared everything- we were best friends for almost 2 years. And it was mutual- I swear it was mutual! She invited me over to hang out, we studied together, watched movies, ate together, our kids played together, she told me little known things about her, I knew her struggles like she knew mine… we did everything together for awhile. Then she snapped because I was too clingy. I didn’t even see it coming! Just, boom, “I do not have the time for the kind of friendship you are looking for…”
I keep telling myself how stupid this is!! Who cares?! It is just some person who I don’t need in my life! Some person who really wasn’t all that good for me in the first place. Some person flawed and scarred and struggling like the rest of us…. but damn I loved her. Or, love her. Present tense. It kills me that I don’t know how she is doing. I so badly want to tell her that I’m different now, that I’m better. Which is partly true. But really, I can act, and I can be whoever I need to be. I would be whoever I need to be to have her back in my life. I could easily never talk about my issues and just go with the flow and we could still be friends. I mean, that is how it goes with my favorite coworker who is leaving. She is the one who said we can’t discuss my issues. I was having a really awful day at work several weeks ago, was not eating, and was obviously upset, and she obviously picked up on it. But she didn’t ask and I didn’t tell. It bothered me a little. But I respected the line she drew and in a couple days I was okay again, without talking to her.
So I guess this blog is my new soundboard for the craziness since I don’t feel like I can talk to my best friends about it directly anymore. I like being anonymous, but even if I get found out and a ton of people who know me read this… oh well. This is who I am. Maybe it would just be better to get it all out there. Take it or leave it. I am taking steps all the time to make myself healthier. I have frequent episodes of depression lulls and anxiety, but ultimately I am heading in the healthier direction.
Does anyone else have similar stories of close friends who can’t deal or are frustrated with your mental issues? What did you do about it? Did you find a mutual agreement of some kind?
thedepressednurse 