Fleeting

Life is fleeting. I know that is really cliche and poetic or whatever. But, really. Life is fleeting.

My best friend texted me tonight and said “when you have a minute, I really need to tell you something.” Great. That is the kind of message that makes awful scenarios scroll through your brain rapidfire.

At work recently, I had a tough situation unfold: I was about to get report on a new patient from the offgoing nurse. Literally about 3 minutes before starting report… the patient died. The heart monitor showed the final heart beats followed by the flat line. The patient was old, but it was still fairly unexpected for the family. A family member had just arrived shortly before the death. I had to go into the room with the nurse who was leaving to introduce myself as the nurse who was coming on. Imagine your family member has just died about 10 minutes ago, and then a new nurse comes on. Really really bad timing. And awkward. “Nice to meet you… I’m sorry for your loss….” err…. meanwhile it now falls on me to finish the death paperwork, tag the body, bag the body, and take it to the morgue once the family member had some time in the room. Awesome. I just love that part of my job.

That same day, my co-worker was up for the next admission. A fairly young person with pancreatitis (aka alcohol withdrawal.) We get that fairly often on my floor, although any time we get a patient less that 60 years old, it is a surprise. The patient got to the floor and my coworker immediately paged the doctor. She told me “this patient is not appropriate for this floor, they are too sick.” She called a rapid response on the recommendation of the doctor, so that the team could come quickly and evaluate the situation. The patient was transferred to the ICU shortly after that.

My co-worker told me the next day that the patient had died. The young person who drank too much. Died. It is common, you hear about these things on the news and stuff: Car accidents, alcohol or drug induced comas or death, shootings and stabbings and abuse…..But it is a lot different when you’re seeing it firsthand.

My best friend texted me that she really needed to tell me something, and I started worrying. Is someone hurt? Is someone dead? Are you okay?!

She finally called me. One of her other best friends’ mother was hit by a car as a pedestrian coming home from work. She did not make it. Our friend is only 20. It was just a normal day for her, but then her mom went to work…. and never came home. She lost her mom in an instant. 

As a nurse, it is not uncommon for me to deal with death. I mean, these were pretty vague stories, and I have many similar ones. They could be anyone. I have had patients die. I have had young patients who were very sick or very hurt and who I knew would never be the same. I have had patients with amputated limbs or paralysis from a stroke. I take care of abuse victims and trauma victims. I see a lot. 

Sometimes, (and I wish this were the case more often,) it really makes me take a freeze-frame of my life and step back a little bit. I have a good life. I know that. It makes me feel unworthy of my depression sometimes, like, I have nothing to be depressed about. (And believe me, I have heard that one a lot…) But what I wish more people understood is that depression is a physical thing. You aren’t exempt from diabetes because you have a “good life,” and the same is true for depression, or any mental illness for that matter.

But sometimes these situations really make me think about all of that. When I’m 75, if I live that long, and my kidneys are failing becase I spent my youth being chronically dehydrated and malnourished, what will that be like? If I’m 60 and have skin cancer from the repetetive damage I’ve done to my skin, what will that be like? When my body begins failing me earlier than it should because of things I’ve done to myself, how much more awful will that be? I wish I could be healthy right now so that I could be healthier when I’m older. The body remembers.

So… protect what you have been given. Even when you don’t want to. Put down that cigarette. Put down the booze. Stop eating fast food 5 times a week. Get more sleep. Find a cause that you’re passionate about, and chase it. Find out how you can help, and then dive in. It will make you stronger, and it will make you healthier. I am passionate about donating blood and helping people with mental illnesses. Those are my two big things. And chasing those things are helping to make me healthier and stronger. Don’t just be anybody, be somebody.

I hope this is an encouragement to someone out there. These things are important, because, to quote To Write Love On Her Arms:

 “no one can play your part.”